why i write about you.
May 1, 20071.
I have written a lot of poems about you because it
is easy to write about you. Let's say today, I think about
the way your neck arches and expands when you are reaching
for something. I say, on paper, "Your neck is a gazelle's" because that
is what I feel like writing at that particular moment. Or yesterday, your eyes twinkled when
I said " I think you are all the Christmas trees of my life." which may mean that
you are heavy, solid, built for further use. But you do not think this and
do not ask any questions because it is flattering to be
simplified on paper. Because you think that it is hard to lie about things
one writes. You are right, I do not lie when I write about you but as I've said,
it is easy. I can do it with my eyes closed, like I did you one night
in September. I groped and grappled for your warm, welcoming
body and eased my way in out in out until you cried and said
no more no more.
After this narrative, I could say that I
loved you less or I loved you more but I really could not put that
down in print because it might be held against me.
2.
There are a lot of people who say that
it is hard to write about love. I don't think so. You can just dream up one scene
where the heroine looks like Wynona Rider in Reality Bites and the
main guy would look exactly like Johnny Depp.
They are in a library. (Do you notice that libraries are romantic? Musty books and a hand intertwined with yours, for once, not your own. Heartbeats beating with Poe's)
He says aloud "I do not want to live alone in a world of beautiful words."
She says "I feel the same."
She bends and hides some imaginary tears, happy for once.
Things are as simple as that.
3.
Another scene. The girl is late. He is looking at his watch and
around the dingy bar where they've decided to meet for
the nth time. He decides to dream about her before she gets there. How the conversation will
unfold. How, little by little, they would trick themselves into thinking
that this is the way things should be. They will hide behind curtains, indiscreet for once
because they think this is right.
But she never shows. He hails a taxi, looks out the window and notices that it is raining.
Things are as simple as this.
4.
So you see, I find it easy to write about you.
On paper, I set the stage; different meeting places, different scenarios,
all of which end with you walking away. In secret, I have a penchant for
scenes of you leaving. It is more interesting really,
than if you had stayed. If you had, you would complain about growing old
while growing old. Slowly, your face would turn into a live wire map
of uncertainty.
But not when you leave. When you walk away in my dreams, my heart is broken 25 ways til Sunday. I can sense it, throbbing neatly, almost elegantly; without any real blood spilled, any real feeling.
5.
Yesterday though, I wrote about your hands. How
fitful they seem at times, especially when
you try and undress me. They tremble so
much that I undo my buttons myself.
I am worried about you.
But one time, I remember when it rained and
you managed to cup some of the raindrops in your hands. Your hands,
steady and unfrightened for once; your mouth saying, suddenly, "look! look!"
6.
There are days when I'd like to write about
something else. Something more relevant and soulful like hungry children
in Somalia, war-stricken veterans who have lost the
will to hear things, women who are abused by their own fathers. I have
to admit, when I write about you, their images cross my mind. They are as fierce
as tigers. They say, Politics! Commitment! Atrophy! Integrity!
But I like this, what I have with you.
I hide under the blankets. I am not ready to
give anything back.
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