To Petra, who decides not to return
May 1, 2007The day you decide when you've had
enough of America,
I know that you will start longing
for the tart taste of fish sauce on
your tongue, the smell of onions emanating from your
mother's fried rice, weather that's as inconsistent
as a lover, the privilege
of spitting on walls that are stained with
irresponsibility.
That day, I know that you will
be talking about how it was during
afternoons when you watched that funny game show host
and laughed loudly, wholly
with your friends, whose skins were as
brown as yours was. You will talk about how
hollow you felt
that day when you were walking along
the cold, unfamiliar streets when everyone,
for minutes, looked like patches. You remember hugging
yourself fearfully, wondering how you came to this.
Then, I will know that it has happened;
You pack and unpack the memories that you
stowed away in boxes to make them seem less real to you, less
reachable somehow. You let them caress you now; let them bear fruit.
I realize that we now speak in different languages.
I can no longer tell you that
there is nothing more beautiful than
walking home in the afternoons and watch the sky turn grey
after a rare rainshower. Or how
good it feels to read DH Lawrence while eating
pumpkin sweets in the afternoon
Or even just the simple clamor that the bottle collector's bell
makes as he goes home
to his five children, all of whom do not know
the difference between an empty and a full stomach.
One day, I plan on sending you a postcard. On it, there will be nothing but
a quaint picture of dried leaves and at the back, I will write
Forgive my happiness.
I have betrayed you all.
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You remember hugging yourself fearfully, wondering how you came to this.
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