if you aren’t here, where am I?
March 5, 2007Lately, I have noticed that there seconds in my life which are devoid of music. Seconds when I can hear nothing else but the common sounds of everyday. When I am looking at a stranger, when I smell my aunt’s cooking, when something particularly melodramatic happens to me, there is nothing – no lilting backdrop, nothing that makes me associate the moment with something that is tangible; no harbinger that will make the memory repeat itself in my mind.
This void is something that I realize I have consciously accepted and have not given much thought to ‘til today.
+++++++
I remember, though, a story my mother told when I was a child. It was an ordinary afternoon and she was folding clothes in her room. I rush in, my eyes wide open, my hands clamped on my ears. Ma, I can’t hear a thing! I can’t hear a thing! Can you still see me?
Ma was alarmed, of course. She was a woman who was charmingly susceptible to urban legends and medical mishaps (which was one and the same, she told me) so always, the solution for any kind of sickness or pain was a friendly visit to the provincial hospital. So she took me there, asking all the while what was happening to me. What was I feeling?
Then I said, with all the innocence that a five year old can muster, I always used to hear the song More (a favorite of Papa’s) in my head and now it’s gone. And I thought I was gone with it.
My mother used to love telling this story to other mothers she knew. They gave appropriate comments like Isn’t she a bright girl? or How sweet!
But after that day, my father, in moments, looked at me rather peculiarly, as if he were checking if I was still really there.
++++++
I think I still disappear sometimes. Now, more than ever.
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