I waste:
March 5, 20075 hours each day talking to blighted blimey blippity blip citizens and having conversations like these:
Me: Maam, our address is Filinvest corp. city, block 44, Northgate Cyberzone…
Whoever the hell it was: Ano maam? 444 Northkiss Cyberzone?
Or
Me: Could you kindly desribe yourself.
Grade-A Idiot: I am 5’6 , 120 pounds and I like foreigners. (which, of course, she pronounced as Porengers)
1 hour flipping though TV channels that host shows which are and will never be relevant to me.
Say, for example, the Big Brother show that we mistakenly watched one uneventful evening.
In comes Contestant Number One who claims that he is a War Craft addict. I forget where he was from but he sure did think with an accent. Inspite of the sweat streaming ( I am not exaggerating) down his face, he still had the audacity to leer at the hostess’ boobies which were, of course, unsubtly pushing through her rather skimpy top. This guy is in his boxers and in a thin, nondescript blue sando shirt and he looks like he is shivering. I hold my breath for an embarrassing boner that will defeat all his hopes of reappearing on TV. Ever again.
Hostess asks: So if you were to pick a celebrity to stay in the house with you, who would it be.
Guy who thinks with an accent: I-cow (which may have meant several things, really.)
Next comes Contestant Number Two, who is sporting a tiny, white number with one of those fashionable belts tied fetchingly at one side of her waist. She removes her blindfold and smiles gamely into the camera. Then, the shot is cut and they begin rolling a shortie about her life. It is, as usual, an unbelievably sad life. One that will make you want to tear your heart out and give it to the needy.
She lays down the works: wrong side of town, father up and gone; mother barely making ends meet. And inspite of all this, she says she tries her best to present a happy front to the world.
She says, “Ano naman ako, kenkoy. Medyo bakla.” And you see tiny, almost inconspicuous beads of tears working their way down the corner of her eyes.
Why is she so thin, though? asks my officemate the next day.
Probably because all she eats is talahib and little bugs. I retort.
Ano ka ba naman? She laughs.
She’s supposed to be poor, remember? Were you expecting that she give dieting tips?
Ah, poor, malnourished, wretched girls. You will always be among us.
Contestant Number Five is, simply put, a nutjob. Here are the reasons why I think so:
1. She joined the contest even though she seems filthy rich. She’s a cheerleader at some hotshot private U. There were sickening shots that showed her doing regular, normal things like studying, laughing (wine glass in hand, no doubt) with her perky friends, her doing cartwheels. She is under the delusion that she is doing this as a service to mankind. I do strongly doubt, though, that this is the kind of, erm, service that men would like to receive from her.
2.There is a part when she was shown laughing with their ‘workers’, as she called them. She’s a regular Joe, this girl. She says she enjoys nothing more than hanging out with ‘em locals. Then she enjoys getting banged up by them after drinking sessions. But her upbringing still shows through – the rule still is one at a time, folks!
She looks like your typical snotty, up-your-ass socialite but really she fixes tires
in her spare time. Without gloves. Wow, that must be something. Really.
3. The Big Brother hostess introduced her as a girl of 21 but has 8 kids. But wait, there’s more to this monstrosity – the eldest kid is supposed to be 15 years old already. Then after this astounding announcement, they cleverly paused for a break, the rats.
Of course, we surmised about it. How can that be possible? Maybe they’re dogs, or aliens. I shout Offsprings of the workers! My fellow watchers split their eyes at me. We racked our brains, we pulled our hair out, we prayed to the Gods of TV Hell to put the show back on. Then, after a few moments, there she was again, smiling that calculated smile of hers.
Then, the hosts say, So, tell us about your 8 kids.
Actually, she says, without batting a perfectly primped eyelash, they’re dolls.
Out come her relatives, all holding smelly, gnarly toys.
The hostess reads a letter aloud. It’s from Big Brother. The letter says that he is graciously giving our poor little rich girl (who probably has more money than Channel 2 does) the opportunity to bring one of her dolls along. She gives a little dance and says, “Pamela.”
We, the astounded watchers silently mouthed, Who the hell is Pamela?
And she stretches her arms out to the rattiest, smelliest-looking, bald reproduction of Prince William and holds it to her tiny tits. She smiles.
Bakit siya ang napili mo? the hostess asked.
Siya kasi ang panganay, she says. The girl smiles to herself, allowing herself to be transported into yet another world.
I hate these rich bitches. They get me every time.
Now I am rooting for Contestant Number 6. He is a hulking mass of flesh who can’t speak one iota of English, nevermind Filipino. It was perfectly clear to everyone that he could not understand particular English words because his face kept contorting to a moue of confusion. And when the hostess says Sana naman naiintindihan mo ang sinasabi ko, you know who the real idiot is.
When he goes into the House, no one speaks to him. We just hear a chorus of dumb voices, repeating Ano daw? Ano daw?
He was such a sorry sight – holding his hands out to gesture that someone should help him get the stupid handcuffs off his wrists – that I could not help but sympathize. And since I almost always want any story to end in a hilarious note, I guess having him win is the most laughable way to go.
As you may have noticed I skipped giving detailed accounts for Contestant Number Three and Contestant Number Four. This is because they were downright ugly and that’s all I have to say about the matter.
20 minutes doing one thing I even enjoy doing – Eating.
I spend the shortest time possible on eating because I now eat:
Breakfast:
1 oatmeal (35 grams)
1 banana (if I’m lucky)
Lunch:
1 sandwich
1 cup Century Tuna
Dinner:
Anything I want because I get dastardly hungry by this time and no conscience of mine is going to stop me.
30 minutes blog-surfing
More on these series of unfortunate events in future post because it would involve some in-depth, true to form proof that will surely, surely convince you that the end of days is nigh.
60 minutes of daydreaming/soul searching
If character X will be accompanied by J, I will be able to find Q and H.
So what?
Previous Comments
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