For I
March 5, 2007It’s a funny word: estrangement. Until today, I associate it with the word ‘string’, which is truly peculiar since a string is meant to connect things, to pull things together, while being estranged is to set apart, to stretch out an unexplicable void between two entities.
Some of its synonyms are: rift, separation, rupture, division, drifting apart.
But no matter how my mind perceives this word and no matter how many synonyms I can attach to it, the unavoidable fact is that this is what we are now: estranged. And even if I have turned the events of the past weeks over and over in my mind until I finally cave in to exhaustion, there is not a single thing that I remember doing wrong.
But forgive my vanity. Maybe this is just me - being my own savior again. Making excuses for myself so that I can find living in this body, under this particular sun, bearable.
When I lose people I love, I try my damndest to never beg, to never ask them to come back. I see that you know this about me. This knowledge is in your smile, in your quick gestures as you prepare to go home, your back always turned to me now. I have never pictured you as relentless, or unforgiving. But seeing that you are makes it easier for me to imagine that someone else is now inhabiting your body, someone else stirring the spoon in your cup of coffee, someone else who fits in your swivel chair.
The saddest thing about all this is the fact that I have realized that inspite of all my brave declarations; the belief that I have built around myself to establish that I am distinct from all other survivors that have been left in various places, in uncountable ways, I am still a very, very young soul. I am still not used to goodbyes.
But to you, my nether-sister, I am saying it. Let it bring you peace.
Goodbye.
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